The Mormonaisse
Who’s responsible for the bizarre circumstances we have observed here on Tahiti? How did we come to this weird cultural dissonance? It doesn’t take a genius of Einsteinian proportions or Sherlock Holmsean sleuthing to put all the pieces together. One need merely to consider the facts at hand.
As we sailed happily across the peaceful Pacific from the Galapagos, minding our own business, we learned that all the world needed was to have us out on one three-week transpacific voyage to go right off the rails. Suddenly, Corona virus went from a Chinese thing to global pandemic. So many people were dying and the others were justifiably freaking out.
And we, who had been quarantined better than anyone could quarantine anything, ever, were told that we could not make landfall in Hiva Oa (our original destination), nor in Nuka Hiva (the backup). Finally they rerouted us to Papeete Tahiti, which agreed to accept us. And you might think they found us an island paradise, but you’d be missing one critical factor.
The Mormonaisse malaise.
There is a huge contingent of super polite Mormons here (the Church reported 25,841 members among a whopping 90 congregations just in little French Polynesia). And, polite as they are, they just don’t support drinking wine with your meal, a beer on a hot afternoon, or an iced Ricard on a late moonlit evening. Why are they even here?
When told that we were rerouted to a French country, we were braced for snooty, a la Francaise, and instantly knew that that was more than balanced out by the amazing bread, the creamy cheese, and of course the wine. But when we arrived, we learned of the ban on wine, beer, and spirits. You couldn’t buy it. Even when you could buy it, the local authorities taxed it to be super expensive. In a French country! Who ARE these people?
In France itself, one intrepid region actually tried an alcohol ban using, by the way, the exact same rationale applied here – that it could cause bad behavior. Well, that lasted all of 24 hours before the French shut that right down. Oddly, that backlash just didn’t happened here.
And after reviewing the data, I believe it’s quantitatively clear that the sizable Mormon influence has had an oversized effect on the Polynesian French decision making process. And all mixed together, the Mormono-French swirl has produced the administrative weirdness we’re all witnessing.
Just like mayo and spicy mustard make Dijonnaise, uber polite abstainers mixed with the French love of food and flavor make the Mormonaisse.
By the way, the Mormon LDS Church flew all their people home during this crisis. And now, surprise(!), we are allowed (as of tomorrow morning at 8am) to purchase wine and beer at the store. Don’t get all happy yet though. While this is good news, they have decided to put some punitive rules in place. You cannot buy refrigerated beer. What?? You can only purchase so much at one time. And when you buy it, a grocery store attendant is required to physically tote your box out to your vehicle and stick it in your trunk for you. Are you kidding me??
Check out this set of rules taped to the plastic sheet draped over the inadmissible wine section of the local Champion grocery store.
In addition to the ban weirdness, they have also increased the taxes to make it super expensive to buy any wine at all. For example, a local merchant told me that the cost of wine is a full three times what you’d pay in France for the very same bottle. And I’m not buying the whole, “yeah we’re an island so it costs more to get things shipped in” argument.
Portugal owns the Azores (which are also islands, for those of you who did NOT pay attention in geography class) and their prices for excellent wines amounted to three and four euros apiece. For amazing wines! Thank you Portugal. I guess there are no Mormonuese there?
Zoom in on the prices of the wines in the pic to the left, taken in a standard grocery store in the Azores.
So, at least now we know why this French country has decided to ban wine when its needed most, and jack up the prices to make to super expensive for everyone.
Despite all that, things do seem to be normalizing now. I’m not sure when flights back into the country will be allowed, but I’m guessing that we’ll have a few months when they’ll allow us to purchase wine at a store, or (who knows??) perhaps with a meal at a legit restaurant? Crazy right?
Stay tuned!
